Thursday, December 20, 2012

Living Room Tour


Who is this who bicycles doggedly through the driving rain, lank hair plastered over his pale brow and useless wind cheater clamped in sodden folds to his shivering frame? Why, it is none other than Philip the Anxious Homunculus once again dispatched by that grim faced Gaelic termagant Mrs O’Flaherty unto drizzly Cronkleton on a mission of great importance with a purse lipped prohibition against dallying in Ellson’s Models and Crafts or worse, nervously nursing a nourishing half by the fire in the Pony and Trap. Down the lane from the Grymoire Observatory, with Mrs O’s stern admonition ringing in his ears, he pedals through lake like puddles until he comes at last to Cronkleton High Street and its familiar shops. Locking his bicycle under the great oak by the war memorial he carefully extracts a bundle of damp hand bills from a greasy tartan duffle bag and with chapped fingers peels one off and sheltering from the deluge as best he can, soundlessly mouths the words printed there:

“Messrs Shillaker and Scott, the two gentlemen comprising that entertaining and peculiar association specialising in hand crafted parlour nonsense and more commonly referred to as:

The Curious World of the Grymoire

Humbly submit to any interested parties that it may well constitute a most entertaining and worthwhile evening, were they (the above named gentlemen) to visit in person the living rooms and parlours of ordinary townsfolk in order to practice their renowned art for the entertainment, edification, erudition and delight of same. Furthermore; that said visits might include three quarters of an hour of their finest and most rib tickling whimsicality for no more reward than the hospitality and conviviality of their hosts and perhaps a nominal consideration to cover the unavoidable combustion of certain rare ethers incurred by the act of travelling to any such engagements by infernal engine.
If any person or persons reading this legend find themselves subsequently or indeed instantaneously enticed they should without delay make every effort to contact The Grymoire Observatory so that appropriate arrangements might be made and disappointment thus duly avoided”

Solemnly, Philip retrieves Mr Chives’ enormous brass staple gun from his bag and with sudden uncharacteristic deftness places four great steel staples, one in each corner of the bill, fixing it to the hulking tree. An hour later, after the rest are delivered and fixed in various shop windows, church notice boards and community centre doors, a soggy and rebellious Philip buys a packet of Extra Strong Mints, ten Craven A and a Morning Star and sets off squelching and defiant for the Pony and Trap.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Ode to the Hostess Trolley of Occult Significance


Ode to the Hostess Trolley of Occult Significance
(Apologies to Francis Thompson)

I fled from you down laurel driveways
Dank with mildew, moss and funk          
I fled, my furtive glance set sideways
Dancing o'er each mottled trunk

I ran pell-mell with terror pricking
Icy fingers tight around
My wav'ring heart a frantic ticking
From the dreadful, hated sound

Squeak, squeak! The sound of Hell's own castors
Creak, creak! The ancient dovetail's song
Urging ever louder, faster
Trundling these cold aeons long.

I slipped from you through creaking doorways
Into chilly marble halls
Past impassive knights in armour
Frozen beasts and cannonballs

I hid from you in musty libraries
Vaulted high with hidden lore
I fell in that disastrous twilight
To sleep at last upon the floor

And in my dreams the dark shelves parted
Like Mosaic waters cleft
By that great prophet in his ardour
Till there was only darkness left

Through that chasm on a chill wind
Came chthonic peals again
Familiar and remorseless rumbling
The source and cure of all my pain

Squeak, squeak! The sound of Hell's own castors
Creak, creak! The ancient dovetail's song
Urging ever louder, faster
Trundling these cold aeons long.

I hid again in rancid kitchens
Rank with lard and bitter fats
And held my breath in spidery cupboards
Filled with pans and angry cats

I trembled high in a windy attic
Against a crumbling chimney stack
Biting down on rising panic
lunacy or heart attack

And still far down some cobwebbed passage
Coming ever on and on
With the dire, infernal message
"Come to me, o famished son!"

At dawn I found some fleeting succour
In a pleasant drawing room
With the warm sun's soothing fingers
Kneading out the knots of doom

But as my weary body rested
In an armchair sure and soft
Distantly, I heard a rasping
As though in some high dreary loft

Squeak, squeak! The sound of Hell's own castors
Creak, creak! The ancient dovetail's song
Urging ever louder, faster
Trundling these cold aeons long.

"Come forth" I cried "O ghostly coward!
I cannot run, I will not hide,
Step out into the cleansing sunlight
This haunted fear I can't abide!"

Then suddenly the door swung open
As moved by ghoulish hands unseen
and on four cabalistic castors
Came the phantom of my dreams

Wreathed in curls of pungent incense
Laurel, Dittany and Sage
Came at last the Hostess Trolley
On its ghastly pilgrimage

Cream horns rampant on each filial
Spindles decked with treacle bake
Talismanic fondant fancies
Vanilla sponge and chocolate cake

Cherry Bakewell etched with symbols
Ancient wisdom to impart
Teetering towers of lemon drizzle
Currant buns and raspberry tart

And then as quickly as it entered
With a flash of choc éclair
Out through the flaking old French windows
It trundled on to who knows where?

On what mission creaks the Trolley?
What corridor or dusty nook?
What enigmatic Hajj, it's purpose?
What amulet or ancient book?

Squeak, squeak! The sound of Hell's own castors
Creak, creak! The ancient dovetail's song
Urging ever louder, faster
Trundling these cold aeons long.

By Mr Shillaker aged 48 and 3/4