Crumbs! Grymoire lads discover elusive Higgs fruitcake

Not to be outdone by Geneva based eggheads at the CERN LHC facility, Messrs Shillaker and Scott have for some time been trying to detect a theoretical form of fruitcake, thought to have existed as an exotic by-product of the big bang or something. Mr Leslie Grymme-Harbinger reports

The Grymoire Observatory, with it's majestic chimneys, leaky gutters and whimsical eaves, presents an unlikely looking venue for experiments at the cutting edge of physics and bakery but it is here that the search unfolds for the so called Higgs fruitcake; something of a holy grail for light refreshments experts, and until recently undetected outside of a few obscure scientific papers, and field equations. The outlandish experiments have thus far involved different kinds of cake and pastry being hurled together at impossible speeds to produce the so called 'building blocks' of cake. 'The quest of all cake lovers for decades now, has been to discover what actually constitutes these apparently familiar, commonplace and delicious objects' says Mark Shillaker, technical director for the project 'it was thought for generations that they were made by really nice ladies out of eggs, flour and sugar etc - but we now know there's way more to it than that'. Adam Scott, the project's propulsion specialist agrees: 'In our early experiments we fired Swiss rolls towards each other out of antique blunderbusses - to our great surprise a number of much smaller exotic cakes such as mini rolls and French fancies were produced - this has led us to a quest for higher and higher velocities to see just how far we can go'. How do the team answer growing concerns that their experiments constitute a real threat to the planet? 'There has been talk of us accidentally producing a bread pudding so dense that it may collapse under its own gravity and cause catastrophic indigestion and ultimately the destruction of parts of Berkshire - this is nonsense' insists Mr Shillaker, 'peddled by loons on the interweb and blogs'. So what of the elusive Higgs fruitcake - the mysterious cake type thing that underpins all sweet baked goods? The theoretical tea time delicacy had eluded the Grymoire Observatory team until last week when unprecedented levels of energy and complexity were deployed to finally crack the problem. 'Basically, we sort of rigged up a crazy machine using several hoovers, a massive cardboard tube from when we had the upstairs landing re-carpeted, some left over fireworks and a couple of very nice lemon drizzle cakes that Mrs O'Flaherty made' Mr Scott continued 'these were launched towards each other at colosal speeds - almost 12 miles per hour in fact - at the end we found a lovely fruitcake with brown sugar on, in a nearby cupboard - the evidence is irrefutable.'

Not all sceptics are convinced, however. Morris Cringe, the owner of Cronkleton's busy family bakery recently told reporters 'I send a lot of different cakes up there - they're mad on the stuff - I think they just fill whole rooms with them and play silly buggers all day - anyway I don't think my bread pudding could destroy Berkshire - Norfolk possibly but then only if it was put near a bread pudding of equal mass thus causing an unstoppable chain reaction'.

For anyone interested in exploring the question of cake further; visit the Headgate Theatre, Colchester on 29/01/11 at 8pm for A (Slightly Odd) Evening with The Grymoire - Tickets £7 & £6 concs